You know what gay people need? Exorcisms. It’s the only way to get rid of the gay-making demon lurking in the homosexual soul.
And who better to do that exorcism than Gordon Klingenschmitt, an ex-Navy chaplain, booted out of the military for insubordination? After all, he has a great track record, according to himself.
“As a chaplain I prayed with a young lesbian sailor who came to me and said, ‘Chaplain I don’t like the way I’m feeling, can you help me with this?’ We prayed with her,” Klingenschmitt said on the David Pakman show Jan. 20. “She renounced her sin. She invited Jesus Christ to be the first man in her life that she trusted. We had a wedding ceremony. She wept as Jesus moved into her heart and got the devil out of her.”
I’m sorry, what? You had a wedding ceremony? So this lesbian Navy lady married Jesus? So does that mean Jesus is officially off the market now? Or do a lot of ladies marry Jesus and, if so, isn’t that polygamy? How, then, is this all-the-ladies-marry-one-dude scenario not the culmination of so many slippery slope arguments against marriage equality?
“When I looked into her eyes I said, ‘You foul demon of lesbian homosexuality come out of this woman in Jesus’ name.’ She began to weep and said she loved Jesus,” Klingenschmitt continued. “She started reading her Bible, she was the best evangelist in our church. She got baptized and she started dating boys.”
Okay, wait. After he exorcised the “foul demon of lesbian homosexuality” out of her she got baptized and started dating boys? Presumably this woman was over 18 since she was in the military and all. So I’d think that boys are a little out of her league. And again, isn’t the anti-gay right always going on and on about how gay people go after children? But it’s somehow okay with God when the adults going after children are ex-gay and married to Jesus?
I might be over-thinking this.
Needless to say, Klingenschmitt doesn’t like the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” one bit. It’s going to destroy us, he says.
“It’s going to lead to a national draft. The number of homosexuals coming in will never eclipse the mass exodus of Christians leaving the military,” he told Pakman.
I wonder when Christians are planning this mass exodus and where they plan on going. Because so far there’s no evidence of Christian soldiers fleeing the demon-infested homos that the DADT repeal will foist upon the general public. If they are indeed leaving, they seem to be going pretty quietly.
“Not only that, it’s going to cost the blessing of God upon our troops,” Klingenschmitt continues. Everybody knows that God loves America best and helps American soldiers kill kill kill. But the tables are turned, he argues.
“I’m concerned as a chaplain that America will no longer be able to fight and win wars because now we’re fighting against almighty God, the government has declared war on God and god will ultimately prevail in that battle.”
Klingenschmitt claims that DADT was a good policy “in that it prevented people from lying about who they really are.” Because homosexuals are, by Klingenschmitt’s definition, a bunch of dirty crooks who think nothing of waking up and declaring that they’re going to be someone else today. Someone gay.
Klingenschmitt said gay men need to “man up” and start being straight and stop acting like women.
And then, of course, for our complimentary exorcism: “It’s the only spiritual solution to a spiritual disease,” says Klingenschmitt.
Anti-gay exorcism: It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Order yours today.
*D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world she reviews rock ‘n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.