By: Paul P. Jesep*/TRT Columnist–
Gil Victor Ornelas, C. Andrew Martin’s life partner, passed away from AIDS complications on March 30, 1996. Martin graciously invites us into a moving, poignant, bittersweet part of the relationship’s last several months. It’s humbling to be a guest as Martin shares vignettes of their life in his book Reflections of a Loving Partner – Caregiving at the End of Life.
In addition to elevating awareness about hospice and palliative care, the book offers perspective on the many spiritual, emotional and administrative issues that these two men faced as a family. Martin balances a practical reality while never losing focus on the supremacy of the spiritual union and nature of his family.
The critically acclaimed, award-winning book, written in simple, direct language, is demonstrative of love’s power and its infinite ability to empower. Martin shares deeply personal concerns in a raw, honest, heartfelt manner when he first learns of Ornelas’ HIV status and determines how to care for and be with his spouse to the very end.
At no time does the reader sense that Martin is burdened. This is not to discount the stress or pressure he felt. Yet he seems honored to be there for his spouse. Sometimes you wonder and empathize about the overwhelming loneliness that he probably had to cope with.
Although traditional lovemaking was no longer possible, Martin found a way to make love nonetheless, showing Ornelas how special, how beautiful, and how much in love he was with him.
“I pulled away the comforter and flannel sheets. … Starting at the top of his head, I caressed his prescription-drug-altered hair. I kissed his scalp, wanting to restore vitality first to his hair and then to the rest of his body. I touched every inch of him as he slept. … His chest had hollowed; there were but wisps of hair where once a dense black forest flourished. Again, those medications seemed to destroy and not heal. I lingered kisses on his chest. … I gently massaged Gil’s feet. … His weakened immune system had allowed the invasion of the fungal growth beneath his toenails. … My lips caressed those feet, wanting to restore their once-supportive energy. … I held Gil tightly in my arms. … Gil responded to my hug. … ‘Honey, that’s nice. I love you so much.’”
Martin reminds us, or perhaps teaches, that real love, true love, the purest and highest form of love is beautiful, always unconditional. By example, he underscores the importance of living in the moment. This doesn’t mean skydiving or zipping around the world in 80 days. No, his example is one of quality living that respects the inevitable falling sands in the hour glass. Martin respects time, but he does not allow his family to be controlled by it.
Ornelas and Martin remind us what a relationship is in the fullest sense of the word. They are not convenience. Nor are they inconvenience. They are a living, precious organism that transcends everything and gives special meaning to life. Relationships do so in a way that is too sacred, too extraordinary to be understood with the written word. They must be lived.
*Paul is a priest and attorney. He writes the “Faith, Family, and God” column for TRT. He may be reached at Dilovod@aol.com.
